Words About Things

With Halloween approaching it’s time to start thinking about your costume. Will you go for an old classic like a ghost or a vampire or something a little more creative? Given the mystifying popularity of Twilight vampires are now off limits and a ghost shows little effort. Girls will no doubt take this opportunity to dress as a sexy-witch or a sexy-zombie or in fact a sexy anything at all.

Here are some ideas for topical Halloween costumes, they won’t make any sense when you see the photos in a few years form now but they are ideal for right now.

1. Cigar Guy from the Tiger Woods photo.

This guy managed to get himself in a iconic photo dressed like an idiot and thus became popular on the internet. His costume, which seems to reference Grouch Marx, is apparently a tribute to Spanish golfer Miguel Angel Jimenez.

2. Chilean Miner.

This is probably the most straight forward costume to create as no one actually knows what the miners look like yet. Chances are they will be pale and dirty, perhaps just roll around in some coal dust and wear some sunglasses.

3. George Osbourne.

Another simple costume, all you need is a boring haircut and a cheap suit. Carry a scythe around to symbolize the forthcoming ‘cuts’ and your costume is complete.

4. Chloe Mafia.

Here’s a challenge girls: dress as a ‘sexy’ version of X Factor minger Chloe Mafia for Halloween.

5. Wheelie Bin Cat.

Remember that cat that was thrown in a wheelie bin by a mad old lady? This is great for girls who want to dress as a sexy-cat but be topical at the same time. You might need a friend to push your wheelie bin around so plan ahead.

We all have different taste and find ourselves interested in different things. Personal taste is entirely subjective and not open to debate, however… the things on this list are popular despite clearly being absolutely terrible.

1. Justin Bieber. What is a Justin Bieber and what in the name of all that is holy is that on his head? When I was at school that haircut would provoke the question ‘do Poundland do haircuts now?’ I’ve heard that it sings but as far as I can tell it is just a thing that hold a haircut off the ground.

2. Emo Fashion. You can call it Emo (I don’t because I remember the real Emo) or Scene or whatever but I call it wearing far too many things all at once. Also: spending more than a few minutes on your hair (particularly for boys) makes you a bad person.

3. Twilight. I’ve got used to the fact that adults like Harry Potter books – they are well written and entertaining so if people want to read them rather than actual books then fair enough. Twilight however is complete rubbish, you can keep your ‘Team Edward’ and your ‘Team Jacob’, I’m on ‘Team reads grown up books’.

4. Use of the word ‘like‘. Not in the Facebook sense but in the sense of a word used to bridge the gap between every other word in a sentence. It’s like so annoying when you like say like, like all the time, like.

5. Ugg Boots. These boots might make sense for those who have to slog through deep snow on a daily basis but they are not summer footwear. Sloan rangers up and down the country are currently shuffling around in sweaty boots which look like the end of a stubbed out cigarette for now apparent reason.

6.  Bass Hunter. Bad, bad euro dance nonsense to soundtrack drinking Smirnoff Ice and trying to pull a girl call Tracy. This is what closed minded Rock fans think all electronic music sounds like: big cheesy beats and no substance what so ever.

7. Cheryl Cole. Being quite good looking shouldn’t be enough of a qualification for being famous. An extra skill such as being able to sing well or write good songs should also be needed. I’m not even being strict on the writing songs thing, you just need to be more interesting than a half eaten biscuit.

8. Banksy. A lot of Graffiti is completely rubbish because it is basically just writing your nickname on walls. Banksy is the worst by far though because he thinks he is clever despite having all the intellectual complexity of a stoned teenager. Oh, war is bad and stuff, power to the people, man.

9. Fake Tan. Looking like this is not a good thing, it means that everyone can tell that you are an idiot from a mile away.

10. List Posts. There is nothing more lazy and unimaginative than writing a list post with an attention grabbing title. Write a full post if you have something interesting to say, if you don’t than don’t bother, thanks.

These are all real headlines about real stories – the kind of stories that make you spit out your morning coffee in disbelief.  Eight of the stories are online, two only made it into print the old fashioned way. Click the links to read the stories behind the headlines.

1. German Throws Puppy at Hells Angels Bikers Then Flees on Bulldozer

No need to flee, Hells Angels love puppies.

2. Clowns Protest Against Clown-Impersonating Armed Robbers

The only thing scarier than a clown is a clown with a sawn-off shotgun.

3. Tiger Wood’s Plays with Own Balls, Nike Says

If this was true Tiger would probably be in a lot less trouble than he is now.

4. SeaWorld Killer Killer Whale Must Die, Bible Insists

In the Whale’s defense its in his nature…

5. Armless Man Questioned After Deadly Fight

Warning: not all armless men are armless.

6. Ninjas Rescue Student From Muggers

Good to see Ninjas putting their powers to good use.

7. Kathy Myers Shot Herself to Get Medical Care

Does being completely insane count as a ‘pre-existing condition’?

8. Chatroulette to Include Penis-Recognition Software

2/3 of users unable to log in.

9. President Obama to Visit Ohio; 62-Foot Statue of Jesus Explodes

I’m worried that people in Ohio might take this as a sign…

10. USA Wins [World Cup Football Match] 1-1

The New York Post are as good at keeping score as Rob Green is at goalkeeping.